Local Sciuridae Violence Peaks Over Nut Prohibition

January 10, 2013
by Jacque, The Hammond Herald

Laurel, MD — At 8:59 am this morning, eight grey squirrels were seen bounding — one after the other — atop a fence at 509 Gorman Ave toward the neighborhood’s lone black squirrel. In what was a Matrix-style defense, the black squirrel managed to leap over each and every attack, eventually making his escape to a nearby tree. Local residents suspect all this violence can be attributed to the recent prohibition of nuts, further escalated by the fact these squirrelly characters are comonly known to be amped up on high-energy suet stolen from the neighborhood birds.

Local resident, Jacque Hammond says, “It was a nail-biter.”

Further details are still unfolding, however, sources now confirm the black squirrel will live to see another day.

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